You’re Not Enough

mirrorWhen I was a young girl, I was fascinated with the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. What eight year old girl doesn’t love a story about singing birds, Prince Charming, and the pursuit of love?

In reality, I was afraid of birds. I was pretty sure they were going to dive bomb me and peck at my hair! I have no idea where that fear came from, but I wanted to believe they could work together to tie a satin ribbon in my hair as they had done for Snow White, making me just as beautiful and desirable as she. I knew it was make-believe, of course, just as I knew there were no wicked witches, magic mirrors, or kisses that could bring princesses back to life. I knew that and yet in some ways I was just as ignorant as the wicked witch when she asked the magic mirror, “Mirror, mirror on the wall who’s the fairest one of all?” Continue reading

The Secret Life of a Waffler

food-863484_960_720A Waffler, not to be confused with makers of the sweet morning delicacy, is one who bounces between one or more things indecisively; one who is torn; plagued.

I’ve always known I was a Waffler. The battle has existed from the time I was a wee girl, which even then led me to play a role I was never meant to play; the role of the “good church girl”. Growing up in the church, I became bilingual—fluent in Christianese as well as World, but it was a role, not reality.

I wanted my words and actions to be pure of heart, honoring to Christ, but they weren’t always because they were often done out of expectation. I wanted to believe all I heard, but some things begged for answers to questions I feared to ask. I wanted the love songs I sang to the Lord on Sunday mornings to genuinely reflect my heart, but they didn’t. How could I say I loved someone I didn’t really know? I wanted the words in the Bible to jump off the page and penetrate my heart and morph into this intimate relationship with Christ that I kept hearing about, but rarely saw. I wanted God; I wanted to feel Him and when I didn’t, I just kept following all the rules— the self-imposed rules, the subliminal rules, and the rules bellowed from the pulpit week in and week out. Boy, did I know the rules! And boy, did I hope they would lead me to Christ.

As a young girl, I was certain the rules lined the yellow brick road, which would eventually lead me to Jesus.

The-RulesI like rules and boundaries. It makes succeeding—winning– easy. But what I discovered in this quest to know Christ more and who I am in Him is that rules do not equate relationship, nor do they equate salvation or anything else except to meet the expectations of others. And this is where I have struggled—and I think many of us have– because we’ve deceived ourselves into thinking if we _______, then God will ______. We’ve made our relationship with God contingent upon what we do, rather than what He did!

I struggle with my identity in Christ. I really do. I am fully aware of all the things that should disqualify me from God’s acceptance, forgiveness, and love. My defects stifle me and tarnish the relationship Christ desires for me. I do this by believing that Christ sees me as I see myself. In my head, I know this is far from the truth, but my heart consistently clamors to catch up.

I think so much of our Christian faith is spent in evaluation mode; looking inwardly, measuring ourselves against “God’s Standard” (which by the way is often man’s mislabeled standard) or adding and subtracting this behavior or that behavior in hopes to meet…I don’t know…holiness (I guess that’s what we’re after), that we spend more time thinking about ourselves than worshiping Christ.

Holiness means to be “set apart”. God sees us as such; clothed in His robes of righteousness, not in our inadequacies and sins.

I do not have His eyes. I cannot see what He sees.  I cannot even comprehend what He sees, but I believe in Him—and that has to be enough; has to be! As I write these words, I can practically hear the words of Hebrews 11:1 being whispered in my ear:

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”.

Without a doubt, I believe God’s Word is infallible. I know, to my core, I can trust every word, every promise written. I do not question it. So if I don’t question it, why am I not living as if “He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world” (Romans 8)?

God is FOR us—not against us.

But we live as if He is. We replay our past sins and failures and live from the platform of condemnation when God clearly states that “in Him there is NO condemnation” (Romans 8:1). In order to truly live freely and embrace our identity in Him, we MUST accept and believe this. He did not come to live as man and die a brutal death for us to essentially die with Him. No! He came so that we might have life and life to the full (John 10:10).

I wonder what would happen if I started reconstructing my identity based strictly on God’s Word?

Who Does God say I am?

bible-1068176_960_720God looks beyond my defects, faults, failings, inadequacies and sees something I have yet to comprehend: my worth, my value; that I am His daughter. His beloved. His Delight. In Him, my identity is secure. It’s not contingent on what I do or not do.  It’s based on what He’s done.

I think that’s it…we, like Peter (the dude who walked on water), have to keep our eyes on Jesus because when we don’t, that is when our enemy whispers all our self-doubts, shame, and insecurities over us and we begin to sink. God’s view of us hasn’t changed, ours has.

I am learning I must affirm the identity Christ has assigned me and learn to live from this place for Him. I cannot do this if I keep feeding my insecurities. I am not discounting my past, sins, or failures; I’m just refusing to live from them anymore. I want freedom. I want Truth. I don’t want to waffle anymore.


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Dear Baby I Aborted

Dear Baby I Aborted,

Today is the twenty-third anniversary of the day I aborted you. That decision wrecked my spirit. Going to counseling shortly afterwards, I was encouraged to name you and grieve you properly. I named you Alyshia, which means Truth.

The truth is I didn’t consider you
The truth is I didn’t see you as my daughter
The truth is you were an inconvenience
The truth is you didn’t mean anything to me
The truth is I didn’t love you
The truth is I was embarrassed by you
The truth is I thought you would ruin my life
The truth is you reminded me of my sin, my hiding
The truth is I thought your dad would leave me
The truth is I thought my parents would disown me
The truth is I feared the judgment of the members of my church
The truth is I wasn’t ready to be a mother
The truth is I did not consider adoption
The truth is I cared more about myself than you
The truth is I didn’t understand the value of a life
The truth is I didn’t consider your contribution to our family, to our world
The truth is I thought I could dispose of you and not look back

The truth is I did look back and continue to every single day
The truth is I was wrong
The truth is I am eternally sorry
The truth is your dad and I regret our decision every day
The truth is I could have made it work even if I ended up alone
The truth is you were made in love
The truth is even if I could not have raised you, someone could have.
The truth is I heard your heart beat
The truth is I saw your unformed body light up an entire room
The truth is I hurt you
The truth was blinded by the immediate circumstances
The truth is I didn’t think long-term
The truth is I did not think I would grieve you
The truth is your value exceeds that of rubies and gold
The truth is you are a gift from the Lord
The truth is I see you in my dreams
The truth is I still cry
The truth is I still feel shame and embarrassment, not because of you, but because of myself
The truth is I struggle to function on this date, the day I chose to abort you, every year.
The truth is Satan still uses this against me.
The truth is your life ultimately saved mine because it led me to Christ
The truth is every life has value no matter the circumstances
The truth is you are my daughter
The truth is you would have been an amazing big sister
The truth is I love you
The truth is Jesus died on the cross for me
The truth is I have been forgiven
The truth is I am still learning to live in His grace

The truth is some of God’s people are going about saving babies lives the wrong way
The truth is some of God’s people use hateful words and condemn those who need grace
The truth is a woman in this circumstance needs more love than you can even imagine
The truth is we’re all flawed, all sinners
The truth is even those who call themselves Christ-followers judge abortion harshly
The truth is Church is a hard place
The truth is we need to stop wearing masks
The truth is we need one another where we are and as we are

Thank you, baby, for teaching me about truth,

Love,

Mama

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