Dear Baby I Aborted

Dear Baby I Aborted,

Today is the twenty-third anniversary of the day I aborted you. That decision wrecked my spirit. Going to counseling shortly afterwards, I was encouraged to name you and grieve you properly. I named you Alyshia, which means Truth.

The truth is I didn’t consider you
The truth is I didn’t see you as my daughter
The truth is you were an inconvenience
The truth is you didn’t mean anything to me
The truth is I didn’t love you
The truth is I was embarrassed by you
The truth is I thought you would ruin my life
The truth is you reminded me of my sin, my hiding
The truth is I thought your dad would leave me
The truth is I thought my parents would disown me
The truth is I feared the judgment of the members of my church
The truth is I wasn’t ready to be a mother
The truth is I did not consider adoption
The truth is I cared more about myself than you
The truth is I didn’t understand the value of a life
The truth is I didn’t consider your contribution to our family, to our world
The truth is I thought I could dispose of you and not look back

The truth is I did look back and continue to every single day
The truth is I was wrong
The truth is I am eternally sorry
The truth is your dad and I regret our decision every day
The truth is I could have made it work even if I ended up alone
The truth is you were made in love
The truth is even if I could not have raised you, someone could have.
The truth is I heard your heart beat
The truth is I saw your unformed body light up an entire room
The truth is I hurt you
The truth was blinded by the immediate circumstances
The truth is I didn’t think long-term
The truth is I did not think I would grieve you
The truth is your value exceeds that of rubies and gold
The truth is you are a gift from the Lord
The truth is I see you in my dreams
The truth is I still cry
The truth is I still feel shame and embarrassment, not because of you, but because of myself
The truth is I struggle to function on this date, the day I chose to abort you, every year.
The truth is Satan still uses this against me.
The truth is your life ultimately saved mine because it led me to Christ
The truth is every life has value no matter the circumstances
The truth is you are my daughter
The truth is you would have been an amazing big sister
The truth is I love you
The truth is Jesus died on the cross for me
The truth is I have been forgiven
The truth is I am still learning to live in His grace

The truth is some of God’s people are going about saving babies lives the wrong way
The truth is some of God’s people use hateful words and condemn those who need grace
The truth is a woman in this circumstance needs more love than you can even imagine
The truth is we’re all flawed, all sinners
The truth is even those who call themselves Christ-followers judge abortion harshly
The truth is Church is a hard place
The truth is we need to stop wearing masks
The truth is we need one another where we are and as we are

Thank you, baby, for teaching me about truth,

Love,

Mama

Related Posts:
My Testimony
Nostalgic or Transformative; Our Stories Are Powerful
Rewriting Our “Ish-tastic” Past Pt. 1
Rewriting Our “Ish-Tastic” Stories Pt 2

17 thoughts on “Dear Baby I Aborted

  1. My heart breaks for you, Karyn. I am in tears as I read each line of truth that you write for your baby girl. I too, lost a baby girl, not in the same way, but I wrestle with a lot of guilt in my situation, so I can relate to so many of your words. Thank you for being courageous enough to share your truth with others. Thank you for being real and raw in the telling of your story. And thank you for your honest call to the church to start stop pretending and hiding our sin. What a beautiful God we have that can take our worst moments and use them to write another grace filled story of His redemptive love.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I hate this part of my story, this part of my past! It hurts still. To have an abortion was not part of my strong Christian up-bringing or in my nature, as a woman designed to give life and love…but there it is in my past– forever. And with it, there is tremendous regret and shame. However, it was through a post-abortion Bible study that I first heard Isaiah 53:5 for the first time–“By my wounds you have been healed”. Those words alone changed my life for all eternity. I understood my faith in an all new and personal way. My God met me in my brokenness and traded my sin for His wholeness and forgiveness—that’s the whole point of the cross. How I missed it, how I didn’t get it as a child growing up in a Baptist church no less, is beyond me. God has given me His spirit and has, as Isaiah 61 says, “bestowed upon me a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair”. Daily, and I do mean daily, I have to surrender my guilt and fix my eyes on Him.

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  2. I’m sharing this on my FB page. Your words cut to the heart. I know so very many women that have walked the path you have, but struggled to be honest with themselves in this way. To forgive themselves.
    Truth is beautiful, even when it is written in tears.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you!
      I wasn’t even going to write a post this week because my heart has been so heavy. This was all I could muster. It means so much to me that you found it meaningful. I hope it will open the lines of dialogue with some of your friends!

      Blessings,
      Karyn

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for writing this. It is so moving that I had tears slipping down my cheeks while I read it. I’ve held my friends while they sobbed over their choice to abort. The pain runs so deep…. But you’ve captured it here. In a very real and artful way.

        Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad this touched you in some way. Our God is so good, even in the dark—when we can’t see Him. Even when we mess up. Even when hope seems a dream away. He is here, right here waiting for us, waiting to soothe our wounds, right here waiting to take our burdens and replace them with His forgiveness, acceptance, His grace…He’s the Hope we have restlessly searched for.
      Blessings,
      Karyn

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I thank God for the redeeming blood of Jesus that delivers from the guilt of the Past. It will continue to work wonder in your life Karyn. Your sincerity always draws me closer to you. You are such an amazing woman, wife and mother. May God continue to use you. Thank and God bless you. Much love from me

    God’sgrace ❤ ❤

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  4. Quite the synchronicity that I told you about my abortion on this 23rd May 11 since baby went back to God. You portray everything a redemptive parent will live with, as even though we know we are forgiven, the residual painful ‘truths’ will remain with us as a gift from God. It’s difficult to even imagine, though Christ assures us all tears will be wiped away, that in heaven we may meet our children and they will love us as if we’d never hurt them. How can there be such complete forgiveness and unconditional love? Looking at their bright, unblemished spirits, how is it possible that we will feel 100% joy and not a drop of remorse? Christ Love fill us! It’s the only way.

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  5. Your questions…mirror mine more than you know—or maybe you do!
    I thought it interesting that you shared that part of your story on the anniversary of Alyshia’s going home (I have to say it that way. It’s not that I am oblivious to the reality of my actions. It just hurts too much—still).

    I have a feeling God is ministering to your heart. Though the timing, with your baby on the way so very soon, might not be the ideal time (or maybe it is) to share your story with your husband, I think it would open a window into your soul that he somehow knows has been closed. It could create a deeper intimacy between you–and as you both hold your children, you will have an even greater sense of their value and the gift they are from God. Of course, I don’t know your husband or your relationship—only you do.

    It is my prayer for you though, my sweet friend, that you find it in yourself to bare your soul, all of it, to your husband, your best friend. With him becoming a deacon, I assume he will have opportunity to speak into others’ lives and as we know abortion is the great hidden sin in churches–his words, his prayers over others who may or may not come forward, will be a source of healing for him (because he will need time to process, grieve, and heal as well) and be personal for those he prays over.

    These are my raw, unfiltered thoughts. Take them for what they’re worth. Just know I am journeying this road alongside you! xoxo

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  6. Such a powerful and brave post, Karyn. Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry you have had to experience such pain. Jesus’ grace can reach the darkest parts of our lives. I am so glad to know He reached you. I am forever grateful for the things He has done for me. Please know that you are prayed for.

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  7. She must have been a lovely daughter if she was here. Mistakes do happen but am glad that you at least realized. And I bet she must be there in heaven, or must have taken a rebirth, and she will be proud reading this. And after reading this poem, I know you are a very good mother too.
    May god bless Alyshia and you. 🙂

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  8. Pingback: The Greatest Lie Ever Told | Saturated In Seattle

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